


Things Sombra Is Not Allowed To Do While In Our Employ

by orphan_account



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, Dark Comedy, Humor, No Plot/Plotless, Sombra (Overwatch) is a Little Shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-02-25 20:37:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13220769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Talon's Inner Council hates Sombra, but she's too valuable of an asset to terminate. So instead, they lay down some ground rules to reign in her in a little... and it doesn't take long for it to get personal. Just a fun project for me to goof off with before resuming work on my Winston fic.





	1. Doomfist's Rules

**FOREWORD**

As Talon prepares to usher in the new year, I do believe that it is important that we address the one we can consider the most problematic asset in our ranks: Sombra. Her infiltration skills and aptitude for information gathering are second to none, making her one of our esteemed organization's most valuable members... and yet, her immaturity? Her inability to interact with anyone without drawing their ire? As of now Sombra has four hundred and twenty seven complaints that have been filed against her over the few years she has served us. So for once and for all, I motion for us to lay down some definitive, solid rules that we shall all formally vote on at the end of the month. And hopefully, they will serve as a way to reign in her behavior and keep her in check. As this list makes its rounds among the council, feel free to add rules of your own. **-Akande Ogundimu/Doomfist**

 

  1. Sombra shall not doodle or write on the Doomfist gauntlet. It is a weapon and an item of great historical significance, not a canvas for cutesy messages and Spanish obscenities.
  2. If we are on the field together, Sombra is to refrain from hacking the gauntlet. I don't care how funny I look giving my enemies "the bird", it's crude and reflects poorly on me as a person.
  3. It may have been amusing at first, but Sombra is to stop sending Nigerian Prince emails using my name and likeness. As it turns out, you don't tend to get much mileage out of an email scam when few people want to send money to a known dangerous terrorist.
  4. Just because anything  _can_ be hacked, that doesn't mean it  _should_. So Sombra?  _Stop hacking the bathroom doors._
  5. Actually, Sombra? While working with others you are not to hack any doors unless you are specifically ordered to do so. We only barely avoided turning the Beijing Job into the Beijing Massacre because of your foolishness.
  6. Sombra is forbidden from asking me to act out those silly Old Spice commercials from decades ago. I have more important matters to attend to than to "channel my inner Terry", whatever  _that_ means.
  7. Sombra shall refrain from hacking our dropships. If you wish to put on an airshow, then by all means feel free to submit a request! Otherwise, you will let the autopilot AI or pilot do their job, and not hinder them with needless loop-de-loops.
  8. When Sombra is keeping an eye on a target's security feed, she  _will_ give it her undivided attention. The telanovelas can wait until later.
  9. Sombra will stop treating my loss to Winston of Overwatch as a joke, unless she wishes to be forced to go toe-to-toe with an eight hundred pound gorilla for her next mission.
  10. In light of Agent Mendoza's heart attack and subsequent hospitalization, Sombra is no longer allowed to slip into people's rooms under camouflage and pretend to be a ghost.  **I mean it.**
  11. Sombra will only use Talon's Communications Chatroom in the event of an emergency. Any disturbing erotic stories about Talon's members posted there will be deleted with extreme prejudice.
  12. Sombra will refrain from rubbing my head for good luck. Quite frankly, it makes me feel uncomfortable.
  13. Sombra, you  _will_ stop addressing me as "Mister Fister." Yes, I know you claim that you created the nickname with only the most innocent of intentions, and I am happy to say that I don't believe you in the slightest.
  14. Using hidden cameras to spy on others? Good. Using said cameras in our facilities and on fellow Talon operatives? Not so good. Sombra can look forward to being punished severely for such a thing should this happen again.




	2. Reaper's Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reaper uses rulemaking as an excuse to threaten Sombra. Would we expect anything less from everyone's favorite edgelord?

  1. If Sombra tries to remove my mask, I'll try to remove her spine.
  2. So you did some digging and saw that I'm handy with a needle and thread? Good for you. I'm still not making any custom outfits for you, Sombra.
  3. Sombra will stop pestering me with stupid questions such as "Do souls make you fat?" and "Does eating life force give you gas?" They aren't cute. They aren't funny. They're just  **annoying.**
  4. Never. Call. Me. Gabe.
  5. And on that note, Sombra is to only refer to me as Sir, or Reaper. So nicknames like edgelord? Goth boy? Those stop.  **Now.**
  6. No Sombra, I'm not clicking on any of those "Reaper76" emails you've been spamming my inbox with. So unless you want me to break your fingers, you're going to stop sending those effective immediately.
  7. During interrogation sessions, Sombra is not permitted to gawk into the window of the torture chamber and give play-by-play commentary of what I do in there.
  8. Yes Sombra, I've watched all 65 Star Wars movies. No, I'm never going to allow you to do a big "This is Red Leader standing by, all wings check in" role call over comms during a big mission. Get over it.
  9. Sombra will stop trying to bottle up my shadow mist. You're wasting your time, and there's far better ways to make a quick buck.
  10. The next time Sombra pulls what she did during our botched attempt on Katya Volskaya's life, I'll bury her... in bureaucratic red tape and disciplinary hearings. By the end she'll wish she had been buried for real.
  11. Sombra is prohibited from blaring Nu Metal over HQ speakers when I walk into a room.
  12. Yes, as far as I know, I am unable to die. No, that doesn't give you the right to hack Omnics, mechs, and other dangerous machinery and send them after me, Sombra. What you call "spicing things up" is more along the lines of "treason and grounds for termination.
  13. Unless I'm killing someone important, Sombra will refrain from asking me to visit her girlhood church and "freak out all the old ladies."
  14. Yes Sombra, I enjoy spicy food. Being surprised by habanero flakes covertly sprinkled on my food? Not so much. If you ever pull a stunt like that again,  **you** will be forced to eat  **all** of the tainted food. So don't dish it out if you can't take it.
  15. Sombra will stop calling my thighs "thicc as hell", unless she wants a personal reminder that I've used them to choke lesser men to death...




	3. Moira's Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moira puts her foot down and lays down a few rules of her own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part's gonna be short, sorry. I like Moira and all, but I can't come up with many funny things for her to say. I might revisit this section in the future, though. Probably doesn't help that I haven't really played around with her much since she was introduced to Overwatch.

  1. Sombra is to stop slipping into my laboratory and whispering false measurements into my ears while I measure out chemicals and ingredients for my serums. It does little to slow me down or impede my progress, but it is irritating to the nth degree.
  2. If any of my chemicals go missing, no one is to eat any food served at the cafeteria until Sombra has thoroughly sampled it all herself. Hopefully she will think twice before attempting to create projectile vomiting and explosive diarrhea epidemics among the staff again.
  3. My test subjects are not your friends or confidants. So Sombra, be a dear and stop spreading workplace gossip among them, hmm? I do not care if most them won't live to spread it further, I am  _sick and tired_ of having to quash the rumors that Mr. Ogundimu and I are more than friends...
  4. If I catch Sombra doing the sign of the cross when I enter the room, it would do her well to be wary of anything she eats for the rest of the day. After all, we wouldn't want her to fall victim to a... "witch's curse", now would we?
  5. Sombra will refrain from mocking the way I run. It's just what feels right to me, and the comparisons to that ninja cartoon are unwarranted and irritating.
  6. Sombra will also refrain from asking me about any of the following topics: whiskey, potatoes, pots of gold, rainbows, clog dancing, four leaf clovers, and surprisingly delicious cereal brands. Good for you, you have realized that I am Irish. Now go away.
  7. My lab rats are exactly that: mine. So Sombra will stop snatching them away and keeping them as secret pets. No, I do not care if you think they are too cute to experiment on, and invoking Godwin's Law will do little to make me budge on this stance.
  8. Sombra is no longer allowed to use our science facilities for any reason whatsoever. And yes, that includes making baking soda volcanoes. You're thirty years old, Sombra. Grow up.
  9. If Sombra wishes to ask if I can add some modifications to her body, then that's fine. But when she does so, she waives the right to give any input on the modifications I make. So if she ends up glowing in the dark, vomiting acid, or growing five arms, that's her problem for knowingly taking that big of a risk.




	4. Moira's Rules 2: Concerning Widowmaker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moira adds more rules on behalf of Widowmaker.

**FOREWORD**

It has come to my attention that among Talon's more important assets, Widowmaker in particular has her own fair share of Sombra-related grievances. I will allow her to write them down and shall propose them on her behalf: since creating and conditioning Widowmaker was my project, her concerns may as well be mine. - **Moira O'Deorain**

 

  1. When I am poised to kill, don't bother me. Your inane chitchat and irritating commentary throw off my aim.
  2. Oh, so you find it funny to line my visor's eyeholes with ink, hmm? Well if you think I look funny with ink on my face, perhaps I can show you how funny _you_ look with a bullet in your brain.
  3. Sombra, if you use camouflage to sneak up on me and slap my derriere, I _will_ break your fingers. Go ahead, try me.
  4. On a similar note, don't poke me on the nose and say "boop". You aren't cute, Sombra. Just irritating.
  5. Sombra will stop mocking my accent if she knows what's good for her. Your taunts of "Hon hon hon give me a baguette," were never funny.
  6. When I am preparing to shoot a target, Sombra better not run or jump around in order to get my attention... actually, no. By all means let her: I could use the target practice.
  7. Yes Sombra, my venom mines smell pungent when they're triggered. No, I do  _not_ use my flatulence to provide the scent, and my answer will never change no matter how many times you ask. I don't even want to know what would possess you to ask such a thing in the first place.
  8. If for some unfortunate reason I'm paired with Sombra for an infiltration mission, she is forbidden from humming or whistling the Pink Panther theme while we sneak about.
  9. After spending the entire session whining about looking stupid and feeling exhausted, Sombra will not be allowed to ask for anymore ballet lessons. Besides, her "dancing" is an insult to life itself.
  10. If Sombra cracks another "cowardly French" joke, I  _will_ lose my mind. Do I need to remind everyone who ran away screaming when a bat flew into her face during the Black Forest stakeout, and hid from Moira and her rabies shot for hours afterward?
  11. _Never. Joke. About. Gerard. **Ever.**_
  12. Sombra will stop writing erotic stories about me and that British Overwatch brat and posting them online. The taste of vomit still lingers in my mouth from the last time I read one.




	5. Sanjay's Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starting with the non-playable Talon bigwigs, Sanjay lays down rules related to his second job and contends with a perceived lack of charisma and charm.

  1. Seeing as how I have a legitimate job outside of Talon, Sombra will stop hacking my social media accounts and editing my profession to things such as "Secret Supervillain", "Low-key Bad Guy", and "Talon's Butt Buddy".  _Please._
  2. Related to the above, Sombra. Come on. Be an adult and stop changing my social media handles to Blando Nofunn. I am  _not_ boring, thank you very much.
  3. Sombra will not come within 50 feet of Satya Vaswani or communicate with her in any way. No, I don't care if you think she's cute: she is one of Vishkar's most brilliant minds, and it would only be a matter of time before you roped her into something stupid.
  4. After the Bombay Phallus Fiasco, Sombra is no longer allowed access to Vishkar's hard light technology under any circumstances.
  5. Sombra is no longer allowed to visit Vishkar's facilities for any reason. Half of the Mexico City branch's staff still can't find their underpants after her last visit.
  6. Sombra,  _stop sending me tickets to Bollywood musicals._ I  _hate_ musicals.
  7. Sombra, please. Stop ordering pizzas and sending them to my office. I hate pizza, and I am tired of lowering my staff's morale by telling them that there's no pizza party.
  8. Sombra, stop yawning loudly when I talk to you. Again, I am  _not_ boring.
  9. Sombra will be punished severely if she broadcasts Lúcio songs across Vishkar's cities again. And yes, I  _know_ it's you, Sombra: the "Suck it, Sanjay!" that precedes the music is quite obviously  _your_ voice.
  10. Sombra, stop hacking my email accounts and sending false messages to my staff.  _I mean it._ I am sick and tired of having to deal with employees panicking about mold spores and rat infestations, or whining about me taking away vacation days that they never had.
  11. Sombra, stop pretending that I don't exist when I talk to you.  **I. Am. Not. BORING.**



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe that I actually wrote more for freaking Sanjay than I did for Moira. Wow. That being said it was fun to do so: I like to headcanon Sanjay as coming across as "the boring guy" among his Talon buddies due to lacking a cool/edgy design and having to maintain professionalism and formality due to his Vishkar day job. That being said I actually like the guy from what little we've seen of him in canon: the link between Talon and Vishkar raises some... interesting questions.
> 
> So on a related note, I have a question regarding a ship I gave a loving nod to: why is Sombra/Symmetra such a popular ship? The past few days I've noticed that they have quite a lot of ship fics on this site and wonder how it became such a big thing.


	6. Maximilien's Rules

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, Maximilien lays down some rules, mostly Omnic related ones!

~~Honestly? I don't have any rules I want to lay down. Because unlike the rest of you guys, Sombra and I are pretty tight. She's smart, sassy, sexy, and not to mention oozes style out the ass. Oh, and did I mention that her intel gathering makes her the backbone of Talon? Moira does creepy science stuff, Gabe does shooty stuff, Doomfist does punchy stuff, and Sanjay does... boring corporate stuff. Meanwhile Sombra kills corporations, ruins politicians, topples regimes, and keeps Overwatch on its toes all thanks to her hacking prowess. So uh, treat her with some respect, yeah? Also Gabe, Sombra has the right to call you whatever she wants. So suck it up, Gabe. Yeah, you read that right Gabe: _Suck it._~~

 

 

 

**FOREWORD**

While I did indeed write the above, I did  _not_ do so of my own volition: you can thank Sombra and her hacking prowess for that. Feeling powerless to stop my own body from acting against my will... I thought a list of anti-Sombra restrictions was ridiculous at first, but it's safe to say that I have come around. Let the message above serve as a reminder that all Talon-aligned Omnics need to be upgraded to resist that woman's hacking. - **Maximilien**

 

  1. Please stop hacking me and the other Omnics, Sombra. Yes, to  _you,_ forcing Omnics to do silly things on your behalf is hilarious and harmless. But to us, the loss of our bodily functions is terrifying. We may be murdering terrorists, but a little empathy goes a long way.
  2. I would like to ask Sombra to refrain from spray painting my brethren and I while we're in rest mode. While pink and purple are stylish colors, we prefer to look dark, menacing, and intriguing.
  3. Sombra will stop removing Omnic body parts or prosthetic limbs and hiding them, please. Agent Bonesaw's left foot will likely never be found, and Corvis 62 is still paranoid about having his arms stolen from him.
  4. Dancing is fun, Sombra. However, I will not do the robot for you no matter how many times you ask. So please, stop it.
  5. Sombra shall stop hacking the slot machines when we visit Talon aligned casinos. By doing so, Agent Blackhawk might just allow you to visit the Montana location again. Maybe. He still finds you greatly annoying.
  6. Ha ha. Ha ha. It's funny when you offer me food, wine, or cigarettes because I don't have the mouth required to enjoy them... Not. Please Sombra, stop doing that.
  7. Related to rule 2, Please stop replacing our voice chips while we're in rest mode, Sombra. I will admit, the dashing Spaniard voice is flattering to us Omnics, but for me at least? I am quite attached to my husky French baritone, thank you very much.
  8. I believe Mademoiselle Lacroix complained about a similar injustice, but let me drive it home: do not mock my accent, please. Yes, I have seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail. And yes, the French taunter is quite amusing. But let me be frank: your mediocre impression of him isn't funny and offends every fiber of my being.
  9. I have read the long, intricate, graphic stories written about me having carnal relations with Tekhartha Zenyatta of Overwatch. Stop writing them, Sombra. Please.
  10. Sombra will refrain from whining if she loses in a poker game. I am not a cheater, I am not a "pendejo", I am simply better than you at poker.



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well ladies and gents, that's the end! For now. Maybe. I'm pretty sure I'll update this as more members of Talon are revealed (hell, it might happen sooner than you think if the "Hero 27 is a Talon AI named Ares" theory comes true), but for now I'm calling it quits and resuming work on my Winston story.
> 
> It was a fun little thing you work on, and while I'm not under the delusion that it's by any means fine art (I feel the Widowmaker and Moira sections are the weakest, by far), I like this project as a whole looking back. I just hope that people don't think I made Sombra sound stupid in this: since she canonically is ultimately looking out for herself, is using Talon as a means to uncover more of that shady conspiracy, and seems to love getting a rise out if others, I like to imagine that she intentionally goes out of her way to push her co-workers' buttons and annoy them for the hell of it. Again, none of the playable Talon members really seem to like her, so... :p
> 
> Oh, and while Maximilien runs the risk of feeling OoC if he (hopefully) becomes playable down the line, I loved writing him as a classy, suave Bond villain type character. Seriously Blizzard, make Maxie playable! He has such a cool design...


End file.
